at the pub yesterday. Brian stood up with an air of decisiveness that startled even him, and decided now was the time to reclaim his jacket. Perhaps with his fate in his pocket again he could move forwards.

and upwards, but there was just one thing stopping him

and that was the pub's opening hours. Brian thought for a moment or two, and decided on a plan. In order to get into the pub, and retrieve his jacket and therefore his fate, Brian would cause a diversion by

setting fire to the Smart Car in the pub car park, using nothing more thasn two boy scouts, four litres of petrol and for some bizarre reason known only to Brian a courgette.

Using the courgette, Brian broke into the Smart Car, repositioning it in the pub car park, soaked it in petrol, whereupon it spontaneously combusted, and Brian was quick to shout "Hey, look, those two boy scouts have just set fire to that car!!!" The resulting commotion gave Brian ample time to

sneak in through the door of the pub (which incidentally was open 24 hours a day now and as such Brian had needlessly wasted a Smart car ... hang on, what am I saying, it's hardly a needless waste is it?)

He searched desperately around, racking his brains to try to remember which jacket he'd been wearing, when he finally spotted it, casually flung over the back of a chair, exactly where he'd left it. Bearing in mind the jacket was fuschia pink leopardskin, with a tinsel trim, that was hardly surprising. Brian rummaged through the pockets, and realised he'd mistaken his fate for a doughnut. In a state of near panic, he tried to think back to what he'd been doing when he'd last seen it...

Suddenly his train of thought was delayed (it was a Virgin thought) by a shout from behind the bar;

oi you, dont i know you, said the voice

Seeing as Brian's one good eye was momentarily blurred by the cigarette smoke in the pub, he couldn't

see a thing, and didn't recognise the voice anyway, so he decided to ignore it. This was a mistake, because the voice belonged to

his long-time arch-enemy and sparring partner, Freddie Ferknuckle. Freddie had indeed been the very same person who

who gave birth to Brian almost 50 years ago resulting from a bizarre and freakish accident involving...

A tractor, a goldfish and a football referee (also known as a "maggot"). The result of this bizarre accident stared across the bar....

and thought what on earth is going to happen to me now? Freddie provided the answer to this question by wandering over to Brian and offering him a drink;

although Brian thought it was very strange to be offering him a

gin and tonic with a twist of

lemon. Afterall, this was not his most favourite drink in the world. Rather, he preferred a good cup of tea instead. He really was quite miffed that Freddie would be so thoughtless on this ocassion. Fifty years surely deserved to be remembered by

everyone who had been involved so intimately in that period of time.

And it certainly was an interesting time indeed, because way back then Freddie had actually been a

can can dancer and part time dustman, as well as a full time mother.

But that was before the operation that was spoken of in hushed tones. Lucky for Brian though, because he always felt so embarrassed to admit his mother was his father; a point which seemed to have been overlooked

or at the very least ignored, by the more astute of the writers,

as many had noticed after pulling their heads out of their drinks. LOL

Nothwithstanding, now Brian had been forced into making a decision about

accepting the drink or not, or going to find his jacket or not, or doing both or not, or lots of other options, or not.