He then took it upon himself to...

remove his fingers from the milk bottles

which by this time had turned

he then prized the lid off with his teeth, when all of a sudden...

the cream splodged all over his

doorstep, which made it all soggy, being filled with cheese and tomatoes as it was...

As he was lamenting over the soggy sandwich, a sudden noise caught his attention, and he turned to see

a large fish walking towards him. The fish

came towards Brian at such velocity that..

instead of swimming he was fin walking

meaning poor Brian had no defence against this merciless creature. Suddenly the fish

spoke and uttered the immortal words "Did I do that"?

as it transmogrified into a purple iguana.

expelling its tongue in and out rapidly

which made Brians left ear very slobbery indeed...

causing temporary deafness to Brian. So he never heard the fish say

"Watch your back, Brian! You son of a ..."

mad man, youve been driving me crazy for .......

all of these years, with your good vibrations......

causing severe nausea, resulting in my lack of

enthusiasm for your glass eye, however ...

I can't lie, I HAVE to tell you that....

your morning breath cuts my

..." as Brian's morning breath cut his attention span, meaning the purple iguana suddenly trailed off in mid-sentance. The iguana wandered off across the road, and curious, Brian followed it to a

restaurant called "Night of the Iguana", with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor as owners..........

The iguana sat at a table and ordered his favorite dish, which was

Brian's fried balls smothered in

a damp copy of the Financial Times.

Brian was not at all pleased with this plot development, as it came to him as a surprise that his balls were now

bearing the imprint of an article about the bolivian coffee bean market and it's impact on the worlds economy.

plus tomorrows weather wich didn't bode well, considering he was hoping to do a spot of sun bathing

howvere the threat of wind, rain, sleet snow and jam, really didn't look good for his plans.

Undaunted, Brian decided to check out the latest fashions to ensure he was suitably dressed for his sunbathing the next day. Upon connecting to the internet, using the latest WiFi technology, Brian stumbled across a website which he thought would show him exactly what he was looking for, as it was called

http://www.zodee.com.au/Womens/Swimwear/
which of course was right up his alley. He surfed the site extensively until

his mother caught him and decided it for totally innaproprate because

she had previously banned him surfing following the incident with the sharks. Brian's mother was awfully funny like that. He often pleaded and begged her to

undo the handcuffs and allow him to live his own life, but she insisted on following him around every day, frightening the women of Brian's home town, because if you thought Brian was ugly, Boy! He was nothing compared to his mother! On his brief foray into the website, Brian had seen an item of swimwear that he thought might be suitable, it was a

rubber inflatable

sheep. Brian's Mother had once been attacked by a sheep, leaving her with a life long fear of them. However Brian

proceeded to order one. He pulled out his Visa card from his rather tatty wallet and typed in the numbers. He hit the submit button and watched in awe as the receipt was

printed on the back of an Aardvark.

This aardvark just happened to have got himself caught in Brian's rather ancient printer by the

skin of his

sausages, which he'd saved for lunch

and was now chewing very enthusiastically. Unfortunately, the aardvark had dentures which were not fixed very securely in his mouth, and with the energetic chewing, they flew out and across to Brian, striking him soundly on the

back of the knee, knocking his toupee into

a large squishy bowl of

tadpoles, which swam round and round the hairy thing that had landed int he middle of them. Brian turned, disparingly

to

see the aardvark disappearing in the general direction of away, this came as no surprise to Brian, because

his luck was pants. Unfortunately, as the receipt for the swimwear was printed on the aardvark's back, he had to sprint after it, and Brian in flight rather resembled a

slightly disoriented octopus on a record turntable set to 78 rpm.

with Mario Lanza singing his heart out...........

However Mario Lanza was Brians 4th favorite artist, so all was not lost.

All in fact knew exactly where he was as he'd been carrying a GPS system with him all day, even though he hadn't left his house.

All had not left the house for years, in fact, as he had a really stupid name which caused lots of problems for him. All did all of his shopping via the internet, although delivery was a bit of a problem because he lived

in a dark and damp and dangerous and deadly (and lots of other words beginning with D) place, called

Luton

. But anyway, we digress enough about All, who is inconsequential to this story because of his

immense dislike for swimwear.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, our anti-hero Brian was

leaning rather breathlessly up against a wall, having gotten out of breath with his running, and as he leaned there, trying to get his breath back, a motorcycle courier wandered up beside him, and handed him a large parcel, containing his rubber sheep, which he promptly

unwrapped and inflated, before asking the motorcycle courier why he'd wandered up to him and not ridden, since he was indeed a motorcycle courier and not a walking courier. The courier was baffled by this line of questioning, until he realised someone had stolen his

scooter, and he'd had to resort to roller skates which gave him blisters, hence the wandering rather than a brisk purposeful walk. Having sorted out the mystery, Brian dressed himself in the sheep, inserting his

finger

delicately into the

mains socket

which shocked him all over his

home town.

All the people was thinking

"When will Brian meet the woman of his dreams, the toad-figured, muppet-headed Julie?"...

"Ahhhh Julie......" Brian often dreamily said under his breath, if only he could persuede her to go on a date with him, the last time he asked her she said a rather abrupt "No" due to.....

him asking her "Why is the Rum gone?". Now,

unfortunetly Julie did not share Brian's passion for Sheep which meant

she was possibly Little Bo Peep in another of her many lifetimes. Anyway, Julie resembled a monkey's

favourite banana, although she had a hard time accepting this, she

did her best to stay out of the way of any hunrgy monkeys. But it just sop happened that on this fatefull day

a thundering great big ape, resembling Brian, emerged from a quiet laneway. For the next few hours

he upturned cars and destroyed the flower bed that Julie had spent so long last summer making. He then turned his attention to...

to Julie's banana like appearance. The ape chased Julie all the way to the

car wash garage, there was no other way out. Julie had to go through the car wash and then the troubles began....

Due to the large amount of soap in her eyes from running through the car wash, Julie's vision was upset, and she actually began to think Brian was attractive. In fact, she was so attracted to Brian that she

gave him her shield soap to use - well he did hum a little......

and then she saw this bright light gently comming towards her.

and a voice called out "go into the light, do not be afraid"

but she was afraid, very very very afraid.

of the wolf type thingy that beckoned from the other side,the wind howled and screamed around the bedroom

causing her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles duvet cover to

fly off the bed and throw itself into the already open dishwasher, believing it was the washing machine that had just been delivered last week. Then, just to add more drama to it's plight, Brian

stopped to make a sandwich.

He used the sharpest knife in the kitchen and, after he had used it, he threw it into the dishwasher. The duvet trembled as the knife

landed gently on top of it, depositing traces of jam on top of the print of Leonardo,

which resembled ...

a beard and long hair, giving the duvet the jammy effect of the Shroud of Turin, which in turn gave rise to lots of rubbish books explaining that this, in fact, was scientific proof of how the Shroud had originally been created.

The following day, Brian, being the eternal attention-seeker that he is, contacted the media. He claimed to have solid

proof that the turin shroud was indeed real. Brian hoped to

cash in on this concept Like Dan Brown had with his fifth novel, entitled Turtles and Jam: The Ninja Code.

However, the book never really got into the top

shelves of the newsagents run by Michelle, as there really wasn't enough nudity in it to satisfy her.

She had some rather unsavoury ideas about what should and should not appear in books anyway. Nobody really took her all that

seriously. This deeply upset Michelle causing her to