On the very back of the limo was

where Gaz landed, having been picked up by the errant breeze on his fall out of the window, and as luck would have it, the limo belonged to

Brians long departed inflatable sheep (which had found fame and riches as a prop on Wheel Of Foortuuuuuune) who was coming to dinner with Julie and Gaz and had brought along

a haggis to cook on the outdoor woodfired oven.

Unfortunately for all concerned, it had started to rain. Great, sheeting torrential rain, which soaked everything in the vicinity, including the barbecue.

*editor's note: a wood-fired oven is undercover

Notwithstanding, there was a definite air of excitment

caused by Gaz's new healthy vegetarian diet.... or perhaps it was an air of

expectancy because

the biennual outing of sceptic septic inspectors was rapidly approaching and

the rain had eased off and bright sunlight pierced the dull grey clouds, causing a rainbow to spread out across the horizon.

The bright sunlight also caused all the rain-soaked objects in the garden to start steaming, and this gave Gaz and nasty steam burn, right on his

left ear,

which made him scream like a girl.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaargh" he screamed "my ear!"

Gaz then stopped, re-read the previous postings, and realised his scream didn't sound particularly girly, so he had another go:

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! My ear!" he squealed...

Gaz, clearly not having heard the sort of girlie scream that is often heard in the north of England, Which generally consists of the letter A, screamed at apitch that breaks glass, frightens dogs and downs passing aircraft, then proceeeded to pass out in a huge flamboyant feint.

Thinking that this may not be enough melodrama...he proceeded to get up, throw up...lay down and faint again...

while his sporran headed off on an adventure of its own...

but that's irrelevant tot he story as the sporran was merely a passing character part of a sub-plot devised purely to distract the reader from the main thread of the action.

along with the dish and the spoon who had decided that life in a nursery rhyme was just too much of a cliche, and they'd decided to spice things up a bit by having a threesome.

with

And as the dish and a spoon realized that they make only a twosome...they gave up on the idea of sex altogether...

and headed off to hunt down some wild porridge

which was not found in the Alphabet movie story, but was found in

a shop, as it had been captured and domesticised.

AND...apparently also neutered...

While all this was going on, Gaz,

who by now was starting to get annoyed that no-one had noticed his predicament and come to offer him medical assistance,

decided to take matters into his own hands, administering the kiss of life to himself

At which point he remembered that he was sick and hadn't had a chance to brush his teeth...as the memory flashed in his mind...he fainted dead away yet again...

seeing the plot alter so quickly

had come as no surprise to him, or the birds which were still twittering the gently swaying trees outside.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, there came a loud buzzing noise, and Gaz managed to come out of his stupor long enough to notive the workmen in fashionable yellow hardhats and flourescent vests cutting down the trees outside, due to large numbers of complaints about poo on cars, caused by the trees' twittering occupants.

The Trees swayed gently in the breeze one more time, before toppling to the ground with an almighty crash. The brids twittered and fright, and then twittered in flight as they moved in the general direction of away from the toppling trees to their second nests located in the old barn.

Unbeknown to the twittering birds, inside the barn there was

simply a cat...BUT...it was not a simple cat at all...it was a Cheshire cat...

Cat smiled at the birds and...

with one enormous chomp of it's extremely large, extremely sharp teeth,

licked it's lips as it prepared to pounce. However, at that moment a creature from a higher evolutionary plane bounded into the barn, ran round in circles wagging it's tail, which it then proceeded to chase, before settling down to stare playfully at the cat. Cat decided that perhaps there would be richer pickings meal-wise in a place that didn't potentially have cat on the menu for dog.

Having successfully chased off the cat, the dog thus made the barn safe once more for the twittering birds that had fluttered in there to take shelter.

peace and harmony once again descended on the storyline ... but for how long?

Until the dog managed to sneak off a foul

for which he was awarded a yellow card, and since this was his second of the tournament, he also received an automatic one match ban for the next game.

:oops: So he slunk off into his kennel downunder and stayed there for a day or two.:oops:

Luckily Ronaldo had got lost on the way home from the match on Saturday, and was snoozing in the dog's kennel, so he had a good munch on his leg to make up for things.

However the dog was still hungry due to ronaldo's leg being skimpy with not much meat on the bone, he soon turned his attention to Gaz who by now was....

drunk and

singing "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad" on top of his lungs.

Which was quite surprising for his lungs, as last time they had checked they were internal and functioning normally. Fortunately the incident that had removed them was rather blurred. All they knew was that the removal involved

a frying pan, a blunt removing a stone from a horses hoof attachment of a swiss army knife and a couple of lemon soaked paper napkins.

This occurence completely removed from our reader's mind incident involving chandellier, monkey wrench and an inflatable dolphin.

Gaz finished his song, with his eyes shut imagining the tumultuous applause he was receiving, the dog looked at him with one lazy eye and dozed off.

"Finally" - thought the dog to himself - "I can get a shut eye - that howling kept reminding me of me mum nagging the heck out of me"

Gaz however had other ideas, whilst in his drunken stupor he staggered back to Julie's house to profess his undying love for Orange tango but there was one man that stood in his way; Brian...

had decided the only way to stop Brian was to literally stand in his way holding a

pitchfork with Julies messy food splattered cooking apron hung off his shoulders (like a cape), the inflatable sheep thought he looked quite attractive and thus started to chat him up...

Fluttering it's eyelashes seductively, or as seductively as an inflatable sheep can, in a husky voice, the sheep said, "Baaaaaaaaaaaah!" Which rougly translated, meant

"Baaaaaaaaaaaah!" because we all know that sheep (inflatable or otherwise) do not communicate vocally, or in any other way for that matter.

which is why it took him totally by surprise because

he wasn't expecting it.

Only as late as yesterday...

he'd been expecting it to happen, bit after todays events it all came as a shocking bolt out of the blue.

It took a minute or two for the knowledge to sink in, but suddenly, both Gaz and Brian realised that the shocking bolt out of the blue had actually been a lightening strike, and a very accurate one at that, hitting precisely

where it hurt him most

on the end of his

hernia scar

from the hernia operation made necessary due to his tendency to

suffer from hernias.

These being caused by his continual straining to reach things that were taller than him.

like daisies, Jack Russell terriers and carpets.

and even snake's bellies

As you've probably guessed dear reader, he was shorter than a very short man who lived in shortsville.

However, his hernias gave him some height from time to time.

Especially when one of the 'tall people' accidentally stood on it and he shot through the roof.

Brian and Gaz stared at each other incredulously. There was a frisson of excitement in the air as the birds twittered from their new homes in the barn, suddenly Gaz said:

****** me! the birds are twittering!

"Hmmmm...." replied Brian, pernickitily, "I believe that actually, they're tweeting..."

he is so pedantic like that

He may have been pedantic, but he was in fact completely wrong, since as far as Gary could remember, at no point in the story had the birds tweeted.

Unfortunately, it seemed obvious that Brian hadn't been paying attention at all, as he seemed to have forgotten that Gaz was, in fact, the new boyfriend of his one and only love, Julie, and he'd been getting quite chummy with him.

so brian took his guitar and he smashed it against the wall....

the wall reacted quite badly to this, but not half as much as the guitar did. In complete outrage at being smashed against the wall it dissolved into a thousands and thousands of frgaments of wood splinters, metal and bizarrely marmite.

brian was quite amazed by this, so amazed in fact that he...

too dissolved into thousands and thousands of tiny fragments and lumps of marmite.

Which takes some doing as Marmite generally remains in liquid form, so he should strictly speaking have dissolved into thousands and thousands of tiny fragments and blobs of marmite. Still, since when have the facts and science stood in the way of a good story (anyone read The Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons?)

So, with Marmite now oozing out of the walls, and flowing between the fragments of wood and steel...

this seemed a good time to introduce a troop of yak hair weavers from outer Mongolia that Brian had previously made acquaintance with and invited to visit

his cousin Dorothy, who had recently moved from the US after encountering bad weather in Kansas.

Dorothy hadn't featured much in the story so far as she'd been away at the quarantine kennels with tin man and scarecrow visiting Lion and Toto who were locked up for 6 months as they didn't have pet passports.

The fifteen illegal immigrants who'd helped carry her bags had got in without any problems, and promptly disappeared in the general direction of Slough, where they hoped to meet up with Ricky Gervais and get into the paper products business.

Except there was no paper....

why not? the enquiring readers asked.

The readers would be delighted to know that the man in stores failed to order paper in a timely manner, a minor issue for which he got completely reamed, thus leaving a job vacancy... now, which of the alternative characters could fill this position?

Any of them could have done, but none applied, so the vacancy was left open for a while.

Meanwhile,

the birds had continued to twitter in the barn, as they patiently waited for some new trtees to grow which could sway in the breeze.

Just then,

Brian who had

everyone, including his mum, decided to

reappear in the story as a

brief interlude from the lunacy that had been going on.