knitting

And quite a large gun which was all tangled in her knitting...

As she began to unravel the gun

it began to spin a yarn

"There goes my dear nephew's new sweater," - exclaimed...

the dear, sweet little old lady, as she fired six rounds into her nephew, the copper.

Slowly reached for his gun, but in doing so it caught on his trousers..

got stuck in them...Boom...sound of the shot echoed...

Through the quiet desolute house

Alas! What had he actually shot? Could it be

The left hind leg of his favorite armchair???

Perhaps so, as it happened to be a folding armchair so that he could tote it wherever he pleased. The sweet little old lady

smelled of Werthers Originals.

As she always carried some in her pockets to shut the heck up her grandchildren who...

spent the whole day asking stupid inane questions like, 'Are we there yet?' or 'Whyyyyyyy?' or 'Please, Granny, can you knit me a jumper?' Her response (up until the discovery of Werther's Originals) had always been

to say "parlare il bambino nauseabondo italiano, io non parlano inglese" (she was Italian you see)

and the only phrase she knew in English was "There goes my dear nephew's new sweater," which was not a particularly useful phrase, and had been the reason why she'd decided not to learn any more English.

as the (over)use of that single phrase had got her into serious bother more than once. For example,

she'd been punched in the face by a rather burly man, who thought she was accusing him of having nicked her nephew's sweater, when in fact, she thought she was asking what time the bus to Bedford would arrive.

Alas the bus was taking its time so the granny sat down at the bus stopped and spotted a nice..

copy of Peoples Friend which she picked up to look at the pictures contained within it

But to her suprise those pictures were not of people but of

their friends

Which seemed strange as

she translated it to mean 'New Sweater's Today' but these pictures showed people not wearing sweaters (which confused her) instead they wore.....

cardigans.

This angered the sweet little old lady who then took out her gun from her purse just as Brian was stepping onto the bus...

she shot the copy of peoples friend to pieces. What are peoples friends doing wearing cardigans (she thought to herself in Italian), why aren't they wearing a nice sweater like normal people do?

"Mad English people" she thought to herself (in italian) however Brian caught her eye especially as he was wearing a brand new "I love horses" jumper that Julie had knitted him in thanks of him buying her (or capturing!) a rare bat....

and as Julie had been taking a new Linguaphone (or other well-known audio language course) Italian course, she'd knitted I love horses in Italian.

Which was very bizarre, as the majority of people knitted in wool, and also Linguaphone didn;t do courses on knitting in their audio range.

Ahhh the sweet little old lady thought as she saw Brians sweater, she tucked her gun back down into her bloomers, and she patted the seat for Brian to sit down next to her....

Just before Brian sat down the old lady placed a pin on Brians seat

and the credit card next to it

So that Brian may get into the old ladys

good books

which were all written by Dan Brown, rather than by a collective.

They included all his famous titles, such as The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, as well as some of his lesser known works - The Van Gogh Jigsaw and Goodies and Baddies.

Which all had the secret code to

something secret hidden secretly inside them, in code.

and the Pin the old lady had left on the seat of the bus was the code to decode the secret code the books had been encoded with.

But the code that the old lady left turned out to be wrong as one of the digits of the code was not coded peoperly to fit in with the rest of the code

(I think this is enough for the word code)

Once mis-unencrypted, the secret revealed

The the old lady was in fact

Not so old...and not a lady at all...BUT...

A witch!

So He cast a spell on Brian which turned him into

a blithering idiot, although frankly it was difficult to see any difference.

since Brian was missing a few screws in his head to start with.

Though as Brian was so slow now the old lady felt slightly sorry for him so decided

to turn him into Cinderella...because the old lady was not at all a witch...but, in fact a fairy godmother...

Who wore

fairy godmother outfit which consisted of...

Fairy wings and a pink

furry slippers

which was fine until

it suddenly began raining. This made her outfit sag in all the wrong places and her wings melt

she became upset and started to

Cry uncontrollably and

lost her mind due to the sudden change in weather

so she decided to

take a chance on quick visit to her aunt's remote house in crossblethen

Where she met little red riding hood

having a dance with the big bad wolf

Who was amazingly behaving himself and not showing his 'big bad teeth'!

because it was the wolf with the red roses, who walked out of the story to find a girl who would offer

him a better deal than the two for one offer he'd got at specsavers.

he wanted at least 3 for 1 at the

dry cleaners.

because it is the dry cleaner he needs for his coat to

be completely and finally demolished...

So that it gets rid of his uncontrolable

spelling.

Alas it was fixed but not in time to..

let it go by multiple grammar teachers...

Just as

he heard a ringing coming from the distance

he wondered if it could be the local temple calling it's followers to vespers. These were an unusual sect calling themselves Breatharians, a very new and exclusive sect who had piles of money in order to

Make all the horses in the world pink, by buying all the pink dye

that hadn't already been used to make special furry slippers, suitable for fairy godmothers.

At this point in our story we do have to mention...

the fact that

well...let's not rush to the conclusion that this is precisely a fact...

of wholly worth that needed telling in a

story such as this...but rather...

foolishly came out in the

course of speeding by time

into the studio

that, of course, was set up there for a particular reason...

Which was

to record a new sound experiance the likes of whitch we have never herd before by

None other than the one and only Man-God...

Walked in and

as everyone knows, the Man-God himself is none other than... da da da daaaaaaah!

ME!!!!! who was very

mistaken because REAL MAN-GOD is Mr. Meat Loaf

Gasps of shock and disbelief rang out from the readers, who rushed over to the REAL-MAN-GOD, now known as Mr Meat Loaf. They managed to force their way right into the pages of this story and

of course, created much expected havoc which...

Made me back into a god

But since the story was NOT AT ALL about Lord Kagan...