100 facts about Chuck Norris

[RadioMaster]

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ~~~~ing Indian.



There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.




In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.



The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.



Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.



The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.



Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ~~~~ down.



Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."



Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.



Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.



Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.



The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.



When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.



Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.



When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.




Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.



Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"



Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord



Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.



Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times



China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.



Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about



If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.



Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.



When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.



Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.



Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty



Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.



Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.



Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.



Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.



If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the ~~~~ down



Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.



Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.



Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.



A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.



Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.



There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.



Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.



Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds



When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"



Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.



Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.



Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.



Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.



Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.



Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.



If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.



When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.



Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.



Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.



God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.



When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.



Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.



A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.



Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.



Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.



Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.



If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.



Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.



Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.



If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.



Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.



Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.



Chuck Norris invented water.



Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.



Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”



One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.



Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.



Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.



Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.



Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.



In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.



Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.



Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.



Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

[Monstro]

101 - He can't act

[Battybarb]

Originally Posted by Monstro

101 - He can't act

[R.]

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsO...54496320080310

[mszee]

Fact about Chuck Norris.

All his numerous martial art degrees are actually earned by him and are real. He is very well respected in martial arts community. In comparison...Van Damme doesn't have a single black belt in ANY of the martial arts and, in fact, his kicks would have served much better in ballet than remotely hurting anybody...

[The Flying Mouse]

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

YouTube Video

[Ma.Ra]

The first time Jean Claude Van Damme is acting!

YouTube Video

Damn, it will not work...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tPbDOMznng

[R.]

JVCD?

YouTube Video

[R.]

[duke knooby]

who the feck is chuck norris?

[The Flying Mouse]

1340234 - If you ask who he is, a mysterious tape will be sent to your house that you will watch to explain just who Chuck Horris is.


After 7 days you get roundhouse kicked in the face.

[MeatGrl1]

Originally Posted by duke knooby

who the feck is chuck norris?

Thinking the same thing Jonty...

WHO THE HELL IS HE ???

P.S Neil the video is no longer available so we are still none the wiser .
Images of JCVD are imprinted on brain and it'll take alot to get him out !!

[RadioMaster]

Chuck Norris is Walker, Texas Ranger.
(not admitting I've ever watched one single episode)

[Battybarb]

lol

[The Flying Mouse]

Chuck 101


1.Therer is no ctrl button on Chuck Norris' computer.Chuck Norris is always in charge.

2.Apple pays HIM 99 cents every time he listens to a tune.

3.Chuck Norris is currently suing MySpace for taking the name of everything he calls around you.

4.Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

5.There is no theory of evolution.Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

6.Outer space is outer because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

7.Chuck Norris counted to infinity.Twice.

8.Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that beats a Royal Flush.

9.Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

10.Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

11.Chuck Norris does not get frontbite, gut frost CAN get Chuckbite.

12.Remember the Soviet Union?They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on satelite.

13.When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

14.Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

15.Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

16.There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

17.When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

18.Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

19.A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

20.When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

21.Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

22.Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

23.How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

24.Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

25.In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

26.Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

27.If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

28.Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

29.The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

30.A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

31.Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

32.Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

33.When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

34.While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

35.Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

36.Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

37.For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

38.Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

39.On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

40.Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

41.Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

42.In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

43.Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

44.Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

45.Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

46.Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

47.If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

48.Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

49.Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

50.Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

51.The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

52.It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

53.You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

54.Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

55.The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

56.James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

57.Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

58.Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

59.It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

60.Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

61.Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

62.Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

63.Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

64.A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

65.Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

66.There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

67.Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

68.Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

69.Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

70.Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

71.Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

72.Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

73.Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

74.Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

75.The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

76.Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

77.Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

78.If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.78

79.The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

80.Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

81.The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

82.Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

83.Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

84.Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

85.The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

86.Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

87.Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

88.There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

89.A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

90.Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

91.Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.


92.Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

93.Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

94.Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

95.The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

96.Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

97.Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

98.Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

99.Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

100.When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

101.No Imperial Stormtrooper has ever had the guts to ask Chuck Norris if these are the droids we're looking for.

[RadioMaster]

"69.Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego."

[The Flying Mouse]

Thought you might like that one

[The Flying Mouse]

YouTube Video

[allrevvedup]

My favourite one is "Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did!"

[samurai7]

Originally Posted by allrevvedup

My favourite one is "Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did!"

Chuck Norris is actually his own father. And your father, and everyone else's father in the known, and also the as-yet undiscovered, Universe. Fact.

(I could get used to writing these! )

[Battybarb]

lol