Football Jokes

daveake · 28 Jun 2010, 09:37

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. According to FIFA, it didn't.

daveake · 28 Jun 2010, 09:38

And the biggest joke of all ....

The English football team.

Pudding · 28 Jun 2010, 09:55

The North of England is currently under a severe flood warning.
This is due to the entire population of Scotland pissing themselves laughing...

daveake · 28 Jun 2010, 10:07

All future England matches have been moved to the Gay Adult Channel. Apparently the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for 90 minutes was far too explicit for BBC.

24K · 28 Jun 2010, 13:52

My brother sent me this yesterday
Urgent can anbody lend me a dress, high heels and a handbag? It will be less embarassing than walking home in this ~~~~ing England top !

Evil One · 28 Jun 2010, 16:19

The Met Office have issued a severe weather warning today. There is a shower of shite on its way over from South Africa.

daveake · 28 Jun 2010, 18:32

daveake · 28 Jun 2010, 22:28

~Helen~ · 29 Jun 2010, 00:09

New hotline for depressed English football fans: 0800 41 41 41 (ouch!)

AndrewG · 29 Jun 2010, 00:21

The England plane home has been diverted to Glasgow, so the team can arrive to a heroes welcome.

A Slice Of English · 29 Jun 2010, 10:03

I find it amusing how the Scots and to a lesser extent, the Welsh find the England team's misfortune so amusing considering their own teams weren't even good enough to make it into the tournament in the first place. Sure, the English team played rubbish in thae tournament, but its better than not playing at all.

daveake · 29 Jun 2010, 12:28

AndrewG · 29 Jun 2010, 18:37

The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on the Saturday morning after the Algeria match.
"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope,
constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6

daveake · 30 Jun 2010, 01:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewG

The England plane home has been diverted to Glasgow, so the team can arrive to a heroes welcome.

Wario · 30 Jun 2010, 01:57

what do you call it when mr. potato head plays football (Soccer)?

A: Potato Head But.

AndrewG · 30 Jun 2010, 10:10

The England players were arrested when they arrived at Heathrow and charged with impersonating a football team.

*AndyK* · 01 Jul 2010, 12:45

A bloke walks into a brothel and says,
"I`m a bit kinky.How much is total humiliation?"
The madam replies "£37.99p".
The bloke says "Wow, what do I get for that?"
The madam says "An England shirt."

Rob Green trained for three hours,
had 4000 shots at him and didn`t let in a single goal.
Next time, he and Hesky will train with the rest of the squad.

After the Algerian game,a bloke in the pub turned to his dog and said,
"What did you think of that?" The dog replies "I though we were rubbish."
The bloke saw me staring at him and said "He always says that when England play badly."
I said: "Blimey,What does he say when we play well?"
Bloke replied: "Dunno, I`ve only had him 44 years."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room.
Another is underway to see how Shaun Wright-Phillips got there too.

Still can`t believe we only managed a draw against such a terrible team,
we should easily have beaten, I`m ashamed to be Algerian.

The England squad flew back into Glasgow Airport yesterday,
so they could get a heroe`s welcome.

All of the England Mars bars are now on special offer at Tesco at two 4-1

On Sept. 3 1939,Germany declared war.
On June 27 2010, Scotland forgave them.

daveake · 01 Jul 2010, 15:15

Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on to commemorate our involvement in the 2010 World Cup.

It will be called "The Laughing Stock"

**Monstro** · 01 Jul 2010, 18:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by daveake

Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on to commemorate our involvement in the 2010 World Cup.

It will be called "The Laughing Stock"

Easily crumbles does it?

**The Flying Mouse** · 01 Jul 2010, 18:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndyK

A bloke walks into a brothel and says,
"I`m a bit kinky.How much is total humiliation?"
The madam replies "£37.99p".
The bloke says "Wow, what do I get for that?"
The madam says "An England shirt."

I just might "borrow" that for my facebook status

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndyK

On Sept. 3 1939,Germany declared war.

They did?

Actually, France and England declared war on Germany on that date after the deadline to withdraw from Poland had passed.

Factually accurate jokes please.
Just because it's funny, doesn't mean we can't learn at the same time

duke knooby · 01 Jul 2010, 18:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Flying Mouse

Actually, France and England declared war on Germany on that date after the deadline to withdraw from Poland had passed.

is that factually accurate mr mouse?

**The Flying Mouse** · 01 Jul 2010, 18:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by duke knooby

is that factually accurate mr mouse?

It is

.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Wayne Rooney.

You back already huh?

duke knooby · 01 Jul 2010, 18:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Flying Mouse

It is

.

**The Flying Mouse** · 01 Jul 2010, 18:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by duke knooby

Well, i'd love to debate the subject (i'm a military history nerd

) but I think that's a little too heavy for a jokes thread

Look it up if you wish.
Googling the date should do you nicely

But back to the lighter side of things

............................

There was debate over the ammount of money the England team spent on their hotel.
The manager said that they could splash out as they weren't expecting to stay very long.

28 Jun 2010, 09:37	#1
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	Football Jokes Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. According to FIFA, it didn't.

28 Jun 2010, 09:38	#2
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	And the biggest joke of all .... The English football team.

28 Jun 2010, 09:55	#3
Pudding I'm A Prize Fight Lover... Join Date: 22.10.2003 Location: New Zealand Posts: 5,532	The North of England is currently under a severe flood warning. This is due to the entire population of Scotland pissing themselves laughing...

28 Jun 2010, 10:07	#4
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	All future England matches have been moved to the Gay Adult Channel. Apparently the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for 90 minutes was far too explicit for BBC.

28 Jun 2010, 13:52	#5
24K Mega Loafer Join Date: 20.10.2003 Location: WAY UP NORTH Posts: 1,923	My brother sent me this yesterday Urgent can anbody lend me a dress, high heels and a handbag? It will be less embarassing than walking home in this ~~~~ing England top !

28 Jun 2010, 16:19	#6
Evil One Mega Loafer Join Date: 15.01.2007 Posts: 5,192	The Met Office have issued a severe weather warning today. There is a shower of shite on its way over from South Africa.

28 Jun 2010, 18:32	#7
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

28 Jun 2010, 22:28	#8
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

29 Jun 2010, 00:09	#9
~Helen~ Mega Loafer Join Date: 01.11.2007 Location: Manchester Posts: 1,958	New hotline for depressed English football fans: 0800 41 41 41 (ouch!)

29 Jun 2010, 00:21	#10
AndrewG I hope your salmon sucks! Join Date: 18.01.2004 Location: Northamptonshire Posts: 7,077	The England plane home has been diverted to Glasgow, so the team can arrive to a heroes welcome.

29 Jun 2010, 10:03	#11
A Slice Of English Guest Join Date: 10.11.2003 Posts: 1,258	I find it amusing how the Scots and to a lesser extent, the Welsh find the England team's misfortune so amusing considering their own teams weren't even good enough to make it into the tournament in the first place. Sure, the English team played rubbish in thae tournament, but its better than not playing at all.

29 Jun 2010, 12:28	#12
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

29 Jun 2010, 18:37	#13
AndrewG I hope your salmon sucks! Join Date: 18.01.2004 Location: Northamptonshire Posts: 7,077	The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on the Saturday morning after the Algeria match. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6

30 Jun 2010, 01:57	#15
Wario Monstro helps me spell things... Join Date: 05.01.2007 Location: Masculine, Pennsylvania Posts: 9,105	what do you call it when mr. potato head plays football (Soccer)? A: Potato Head But.

30 Jun 2010, 10:10	#16
AndrewG I hope your salmon sucks! Join Date: 18.01.2004 Location: Northamptonshire Posts: 7,077	The England players were arrested when they arrived at Heathrow and charged with impersonating a football team.

01 Jul 2010, 12:45	#17
AndyK Relentless Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Over the top..... seeing what's on the other side Posts: 18,694	A bloke walks into a brothel and says, "I`m a bit kinky.How much is total humiliation?" The madam replies "£37.99p". The bloke says "Wow, what do I get for that?" The madam says "An England shirt." Rob Green trained for three hours, had 4000 shots at him and didn`t let in a single goal. Next time, he and Hesky will train with the rest of the squad. After the Algerian game,a bloke in the pub turned to his dog and said, "What did you think of that?" The dog replies "I though we were rubbish." The bloke saw me staring at him and said "He always says that when England play badly." I said: "Blimey,What does he say when we play well?" Bloke replied: "Dunno, I`ve only had him 44 years." The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. Another is underway to see how Shaun Wright-Phillips got there too. Still can`t believe we only managed a draw against such a terrible team, we should easily have beaten, I`m ashamed to be Algerian. The England squad flew back into Glasgow Airport yesterday, so they could get a heroe`s welcome. All of the England Mars bars are now on special offer at Tesco at two 4-1 On Sept. 3 1939,Germany declared war. On June 27 2010, Scotland forgave them.

01 Jul 2010, 15:15	#18
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on to commemorate our involvement in the 2010 World Cup. It will be called "The Laughing Stock"