Chili anyone?

R. · 14 Mar 2004, 18:37

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located an uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing! I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

KebLou · 14 Mar 2004, 20:09

Thats a good one, I can't take anything spicy but Frank should have had something like yoghurt or milk as that cools the spicyness down.

black dog · 15 Mar 2004, 01:05

I wouldn't be any good at that. I can't stand even mildly spicy food.

**The Flying Mouse** · 15 Mar 2004, 01:41

The one thing I want to know is why they call it chili when it's hot

Tamsin · 15 Mar 2004, 16:29

Quote:

http://www.mlukfc.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3543

interesting question.....

Tamsin · 15 Mar 2004, 16:30

dam still cant get the hang of this!!

i was pondering over 'flying mouses' question!!

native texan · 15 Mar 2004, 17:55

Flying Mouse,

I loved this!! Made me a bit misty-eyed and homesick for the kind of chili that can only be found in Texas. Thanks for making my day

ROSIE · 15 Mar 2004, 19:38

So that's were my first husband ended up

R

sie too late to ask for alimoney I suppose

R. · 16 Jul 2004, 22:37

More Chili talk ...

A semi-driver has been traveling through the desert for hours without food. He's been looking for a diner to get something to eat at, but nothing has come up. Eventually he sees one with just one other person in it and the waitress. He walks in and asks for a menu. He looks at the menu and all he sees is chili. Although he doesn't like chili much, being as hungry as he is, he orders a bowl.

"Sorry, that guy down there got the last bowl," said the waitress. So he sat there and just rested for a bit. He kept looking down at the man with the chili, and he hadn't taken a bite of it this entire time. So he goes down by him.

"Are you going to eat that? Because I have been driving for hours without food and I'm starving and I noticed you haven't taken a bite of that chili."

The man said, "Oh, sure, you can have it"

"Thank you so much sir."

So he went back to his seat and began scarfing the chili down. And when he got to the bottom, there was a dead rat sitting in the bowl. He's so disgusted that he puked it all right back into the bowl. He said to the man who gave him the chili, "Oh God, there's a dead rat in this!"

The man replied,"Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

Keep Rocking · 16 Jul 2004, 22:42

OMG, that's awful!

Gez · 17 Jul 2004, 15:56

R. · 04 Oct 2007, 21:36

Holy thread bump batman!

If you haven't done already, read the "Chili Test" story.
Now, click here.

14 Mar 2004, 18:37	#1
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	Chili anyone? INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located an uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing! I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach! Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

14 Mar 2004, 20:09	#2
KebLou Mega Loafer Join Date: 02.03.2004 Location: The Arena of the Unwell Posts: 3,177	Thats a good one, I can't take anything spicy but Frank should have had something like yoghurt or milk as that cools the spicyness down.

15 Mar 2004, 01:05	#3
black dog Mega Loafer Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Cornwall Posts: 1,667	I wouldn't be any good at that. I can't stand even mildly spicy food.

15 Mar 2004, 01:41	#4
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	The one thing I want to know is why they call it chili when it's hot

15 Mar 2004, 16:30	#6
Tamsin Senior Loafer Join Date: 17.01.2004 Location: belfast Posts: 138	dam still cant get the hang of this!! i was pondering over 'flying mouses' question!!

15 Mar 2004, 17:55	#7
native texan Super Loafer Join Date: 03.01.2004 Location: I was gambling in Havana Posts: 232	Flying Mouse, I loved this!! Made me a bit misty-eyed and homesick for the kind of chili that can only be found in Texas. Thanks for making my day

15 Mar 2004, 19:38	#8
ROSIE Invisible again! Join Date: 30.06.2003 Location: Suffolk Posts: 1,240	So that's were my first husband ended up R sie too late to ask for alimoney I suppose

16 Jul 2004, 22:37	#9
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	More Chili talk ... A semi-driver has been traveling through the desert for hours without food. He's been looking for a diner to get something to eat at, but nothing has come up. Eventually he sees one with just one other person in it and the waitress. He walks in and asks for a menu. He looks at the menu and all he sees is chili. Although he doesn't like chili much, being as hungry as he is, he orders a bowl. "Sorry, that guy down there got the last bowl," said the waitress. So he sat there and just rested for a bit. He kept looking down at the man with the chili, and he hadn't taken a bite of it this entire time. So he goes down by him. "Are you going to eat that? Because I have been driving for hours without food and I'm starving and I noticed you haven't taken a bite of that chili." The man said, "Oh, sure, you can have it" "Thank you so much sir." So he went back to his seat and began scarfing the chili down. And when he got to the bottom, there was a dead rat sitting in the bowl. He's so disgusted that he puked it all right back into the bowl. He said to the man who gave him the chili, "Oh God, there's a dead rat in this!" The man replied,"Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

16 Jul 2004, 22:42	#10
Keep Rocking Super Loafer Join Date: 06.11.2003 Location: Sitting on the steps outside, looking so restless and reckless and lost! Posts: 820	OMG, that's awful!

17 Jul 2004, 15:56	#11
Gez Knicker thief Join Date: 17.04.2003 Location: auch...not on the fence Posts: 5,633

04 Oct 2007, 21:36	#12
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	Holy thread bump batman! If you haven't done already, read the "Chili Test" story. Now, click here.