Dear Alcohol

Chris · 05 Apr 2006, 09:56

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the pub, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you may have my best interests at heart,I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences.

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2AM. Why would you make me a call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
kebab with chilli sauce, (& garlic mayo !!) along with stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chilli dip)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily active ties. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask tht you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive - agressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more beer for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Gez · 05 Apr 2006, 19:47

DIZZY DRUMMER · 05 Apr 2006, 22:29

I'll drink to that

R. · 05 Apr 2006, 23:14

Leather allergies, Chris?

Paul191 · 06 Apr 2006, 02:02

Great one, I'll remember that next time i'm in Tesco..... top up on the old alcohol.

05 Apr 2006, 09:56	#1
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Dear Alcohol Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the pub, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you may have my best interests at heart,I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences. 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2AM. Why would you make me a call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, (& garlic mayo !!) along with stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chilli dip)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily active ties. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask tht you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your Biggest Fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive - agressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more beer for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

05 Apr 2006, 19:47	#2
Gez Knicker thief Join Date: 17.04.2003 Location: auch...not on the fence Posts: 5,633

05 Apr 2006, 22:29	#3
DIZZY DRUMMER Always Ready For A Bang Join Date: 30.11.2003 Location: Left In The Dark .......... AGAIN Posts: 6,389	I'll drink to that

05 Apr 2006, 23:14	#4
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	Leather allergies, Chris?

06 Apr 2006, 02:02	#5
Paul191 Mega Loafer Join Date: 26.11.2005 Location: Posts: 1,530	Great one, I'll remember that next time i'm in Tesco..... top up on the old alcohol.