Alternative story thread...

[Ross]

usind a staple remover. However, instead of removing the staples eddie clumsily ended up removing one of Brians fingers. Brian

[Rockette]

squealed in pain. Then, with every ounce of energy he had left, he wondered out loud "could the cover have jumped in there by itself?" After all, there were only the two of them in the house, this was a logical conclusion to jump to. So he decided to

[AndyK]

have a cup of tea and think about it,

[Hypnobabe]

but unfortunately, due to the missing finger, he dropped the kettle and spilt boiling

[AndyK]

water all over the duvet. This resulted in the jam being washed off the duvet, tehereby solving the problem previously encountered.

[Hypnobabe]

Just at that moment, there was a furious banging at the door, and Brian looked through the window to see hordes of paparazzi, waiting to interview him and pay lots of money for the true Shroud story. Brian panicked, reasoning that no jam meant no money, and unfortunately, all the jam in the house had already been spilt on the duvet, so there was no more left to replace the image. He decided to

[AndyK]

quickly make some jam, digging out his long deceased favourite Aunts cookbook (that's the favourite aunt that was long deceased not the cookbook, before someone takes this story down a dead end track) he flipped to the jam pages and there in fron of him was the recipe.

[Hypnobabe]

"First take two pounds of

[AndyK]

strawberries and then

[Hypnobabe]

chop them into really really small pieces using the largest carving knife you can find. Put them and all the discarded pieces of finger into a large bowl, and add

[AndyK]

sugar, lots and lots of sugar.

[Hypnobabe]

Mix well, using a large

[AndyK]

wooden spoon,

[Hypnobabe]

or if you can't find one, use your hands (washing first is not strictly necessary)." As you may be able to tell, Brian's favourite deceased Aunty was not really much of a cook. The next instruction in the recipe book called for Brian to

[AndyK]

sing a little song.

[dottie]

something like Strawberry Fields Forever

[AndyK]

or Tulips from Hamster Jam

[dottie]

or even I got chocolate babe.......

[AndyK]

He decided on Strawberry Fields Forever, even though he didn't really like the Beatles.

[dottie]

and preferred you've got hands by max bygraves, as he felt that was more relevant as he had already lost one finger...

[AndyK]

anyway, he'd made his choice and was sticking to it, in much the same way he was now sticking to the floor - as he'd mistakenly spilt some of the jam and sugar mixture and was now standing in the puddle.

[Hypnobabe]

Just as Brian realised he was stuck to the floor, Julie walked in and noticed the mess in the kitchen. "Oh Brian!!!" she screamed, and promptly

[AndyK]

fainted, collapsing face first at his feet. An untidy kitchen never diud Julie any good at the best of times, but the sight of Brian standing in a pool of Jam, with one finger missing with a duvet poking out of the diswasher was enough to push her over the edge. It'd been a long day for Julie,

[Rockette]

made all the more arduous by the

[AndyK]

incident with the duvet. Outside the birds twittered and the breeze gently swayed the corn in the meadow. Brian tried his best to revive Julie, but all he managed to do was cover her in a fine layer of the jam mixture, things were going from bad to worse;